On the nose, we got unripe corn cobs carved into cogs. Corn cogs. Smoking a a corn cog snipe. Come on, kids, they’re easy to catch! Just stand at the end of this culvert and hold that bag open wide, and we’ll run ’em right at ya! Or maybe they’re corn cogs for a Cube Kohlberg Contraption: Is this a punishment? And how do I avoid it? Our sinuses recoil in horror. There’s cherry undertone that you don’t want to jostle. Whatever you do, don’t make it angry. The nose finishes with notes of sarsaparilla licorice. Actually, those notes were just there at the point we had to stop nosing it.
The mouth is hot, but not in a good way. It makes me do the thing that dogs do when they eat peanut butter, but with me, it’s a clear sign there’s something wrong. There’s a distinct celery segue to the finish, said no food chef ever. Our guess is that it was aged in a Papa John’s pizza box in a Papazan.
The finish is an acid bath for the palatine uvula. Only in this case, it’s made mine into the Palpatine uvula: the first impression is just wretched, but soon you come to discover it’s just silly evil.
On the scale of positive things you can say about Star Wars’ Emperor Palpatine–
The Hayes Parker Reserve Bourbon is the fact that he first appeared in The Empire Strikes Back–That’s one helluva movie and anything associated with it gets some props for being associated in any way with it. But that positive is outweighed by so many other irredeemably terrible things. I mean, his Sith name is Darth Sidious, his first name is Sheev (couldn’t go all the way to Shiv, could you, George Lucas?), he plays a major role in The Phantom Menace–a film with a decidedly eponymous quality, and he’s originally from Naboo, the planet that gave us Jar Jar Binks.