The Cambus (grain) 40 Year Old 2016 Limited Edition release from Diageo opens with an old purple beeswax candle (very rare dye!) that had fallen under the bunk in the Captain’s quarters during a drydock wind gust, been forgotten about, been unfruitfully gnawed on by crickets, and inopportunely rolled out during a tryst with the quartermaster’s wife. She seized it as what was, in her mind, the perfect complement to her bespoke oatmeal cookies with milk chocolate chips—30% cacao—and black walnuts, that she prefers to serve with clementines and Chablis (chilled) in her infamous attic museum of stuffed panoramas from the 1830s and Limoges boxes made from Pompeii ash. Oh, and sleeping otters, naturally. You guys got all that, too, right? Guys? Guys?
The mouth is crazy and delicate, violently soft, and tenaciously tactile. It refuses to quit tantalizing my tongue! There’s a parade of aged fruit, including prunes, apricots, Calimyrna figs: all veterans of foreign fruit wars, all slowing down so that the wrinkled peach can catch up. The nectarine is dragged down by its medals (brass, gold, electrum) for valor and juiciness. Several suffer from PTRD, post-traumatic ripening disorder, but with enough heat, they’re easily cured.
The finish is gone, and then an epilogue after an ad break finishes the story. The teenager, who at first seemed like a vandal in possession of her mother’s beloved carving knife, in fact used it gently on a 200 year old oak tree, embossing her (imagined) family crest as the sap slowly spread out, both obscuring and lacquering her work. An impromptu synod with mitred and powdered bishops agree that the finish would be worthy of adoration, but was not miraculous. In a moment of blasphemy, one thought that the blending of the grains in the Cambus outstripped the tripartite nature of God. More mundanely, it struck us that Diageo could use this as spine and sinew for a new blend, Johnny Walker Unobtanium. John volunteered to travel to Pandora to hoodwink the Na’vi into trading mining rights for the rare (fictitious) mineral for a bottle of hair gel.
On the scale of comedic movies–
The Cambus (grain) 40 Year 2016 Limited Edition is The 40-Year-Old Virgin, starring Steve Carrell–He passes up numerous chances, waiting for the perfect time. Lordy, lordy, the Cambus turned 40! And it was the perfect time.
–Our thanks to Diageo for the sample!