The Tovuz 15 Year Old Azerbaijani Whisky

700 ml sword and feather emblazened decanter

Tasting notes:
Recently, a Malt Impostor Auxiliary—code-named: Gridley Scot—went to Azerbaijan. If I told you why Gridley went there, I’d have to bill you. (I’ll bet you wish you didn’t see what I just did there.) Anyways, Gridley brought back a trio of Azerbaijani whiskies; the word we received is that the Azerbaijanis want to become playas in the whiskey business. Evidently, they embarked on their mission at least 15 years ago, as the first up for review is the oldest Gridley brought for us, the Tovuz 15. This translates, according to The Google, as “Peacock 15,” which would be another excellent name for a Malt Impostor Auxiliary traveling incognito.

Upon tilting our noses, with due trepidation, towards our glasses, we all exclaimed a variation on the theme, “How did they build a motor engine for a Yugo out of elm wood?” We found also a collection of (very) dried herbs, mostly cauliflower {that’s an herb, right?} in a cardboard vase that had been dipped in motor oil, then rolled in sawdust. It raised some not-quite-as-famous other philosophical questions asked by Thomas Nagel: What Do Thirty Wet Bats Smell Like? And Why are They All Standing On an Oregon Duck Uniform that was Soiled by a Large Man Who Sweated Out an Entire Can of Flat RC Cola While Running Wind Sprints?

The mouth is as sweet as Gridley’s lips would be if they’d been dipped in Cherry Ovaltine, burnt oatmeal, and a moldy nougat from a half-melted indeterminate ersatz waxen chocolate found in a pod auctioned off to a lucky winner in Storage Wars. My tongue was coated in Karo corn syrup and uranium dust, then harrowed with a strigil carved from spearmint lozenges.

The finish led me to believe that my oral biome had been forever altered, probably not for the better. On the positive side of the ledger, my airplane is cleaner than it ever was before! Spark plugs are sparkling and sparking again, and possums are still being attracted to the pheromone emissions wafting out of my nose and ear canals. It was noted that a versatile doctor could deftly employ it as either a floor wax, a heavy chemical stripper, or an amputated-limb salve to numb phantom pains.


On the scale of Marvel characters heretofore unbeknownst to me–
The Tovuz 15 is Arnold Paffenroth, aka Tatterdemalion–He was once a wealthy aesthete, but after running afoul of the mob, he became a deranged drunken derelict controlled by a specially designed ultrasonic whistle. As Tatterdemalion, “he wears specially designed gloves coated with a solvent which dissolves paper and fabrics, which allows him to destroy currency. He wears several layers of clothing, coated with a special greasy chemical that makes him slippery and difficult to hold on to; underneath his clothes is a layer of Kevlar. His cloak contains chloroform gas capsules, so that when thrown over a victim it renders the victim unconscious. He wears a long scarf, which is tipped with lead weights, as a weapon…Due to his lack of proper hygiene habits, the Tatterdemalion emits a harsh offensive odor at all times. He is an expert tap dancer, and a highly proficient bottle-cap collector. The Tatterdemalion is mentally disturbed.” (from Wikipedia)


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