I told them I wasn’t interested in being on an episode of Naked and Afraid, yet then I woke up one morning on a green piece of turf without a stitch of clothing, only to have to face down Buck–that’s right, Buck–while we are both naked. I couldn’t face it (it was quite the sight), so I left him to fend for himself.
I figure based on the landscape that I’m in Ireland. I just don’t know where, exactly. And did I mention I’m still naked? Anyhow, now that I’ve got my wits about me again, I start to piece things together: I’m smelling filberts sauteeing in lemon butter, downwind from a pot of venison stew. Or maybe I’m just hungry. No, I’m also smelling pussywillows growing in violet water…perhaps in a Ming vase. But then the whole scene gets much more interesting: I get notes of a Tawny Kitaen-flavored port–perfumey and a little crazy. OK, a lot crazy. But it’s balanced by the good loamy smell you’d expect to get out here, wherever here is. This is the kind of loamy goodness you’d expect to be filtering leprechaun tears. And all of this occurring under marshmallow clouds, but not the kinds the Beatles saw.
At that moment, I get the taste in my mouth of extra fine cheddar rennet squeezed into a glass of watered down anise juice. There’s a hint of spearmint gum in there as well, though I can’t be certain if that bit is real or just leftover lustings after those twins on that gum commercial from days of old.
As I finish my solo trek, well, let’s just say the finish was long. And not unlike a delicately struck dirge mallet. And ever so spicy. Or maybe it’s a bitterness that I can’t distinguish from spiciness. Either way, it’s a great burn: it’s a comedian’s burn that ends up being a four-session therapy insult. The kind I want to give to Buck when I see him next, and then give to the show’s producers.
–Our thanks to ImpEx for the sample!