Recently, Master of Malt sent ten bloggers/magazine writers/website and podcast producers/whisky professionals whisky blending kits and asked each to come up with his or her own blend, which Master of Malt would then produce in their signature Drinks by the Dram sample sized bottles. Then they will let the drinkers vote as to which one they think is best, and the winner will be produced and bottled in full-sized bottles as a special Master of Malt bottling. More details of this tremendous idea for a retail exercise can be found at our good friend Joshua Hatton’s Jewish Single Malt Whisky Society page.
Well, needless to say, not being invited to be one of the chosen ten stung a little at first. But then we reminded ourselves that not only are we nominally and eponymously impostors, but we are actually impostors, so maybe Master of Malt should be commended on their intelligence and their overall marketing savoir faire. Nevertheless, that has not stopped us from being envious of those who received blending kits.
But as we wallowed in our petty jealousy and banal covetousness, we considered some of the possible names we could appropriately give our blend, had Master of Malt been kind enough (but also perhaps foolish enough) to have sent us a blending kit. They broke down into two categories, full titles and subtitles. And we assumed, of course, that ours would have to have been a dram only and could never be a bottle, lest we violate our own carefully cultivated site aesthetic.
- The Malt Impostor “life in your own hands” Blended dram
- The Malt Impostor D.P. (…”Distiller’s Preference?” “No, Drain Pour.”)
- The Malt Impostor “it’s cheap for a reason” Blended dram
- The Malt Impostor “ya takes yer chances” Blended dram
- The Malt Impostor “when you want a whisky real bad, this is a real bad” Blended dram
- The Malt Impostor “at least it should be over quick” Blended dram
- or maybe just The Malt Impostor “dump” dram (not to be confused with a “dregs dram”, per the GlenHatton)
The Malt Impostor Blended Dram:
- …if you can get past that initial heavy off note, you should be fine
- …keeping your drain lines clean since 2011
- …now they’re making stuff up on the front end
- …we did the best we could, but that doesn’t mean it’s good
- …we aimed for a flavor profile of John Barrymore (aka, the Great Profile), but ended up with Andre the Giant‘s instead
- …Socrates drank hemlock–how bad could this be?
- …the notes of struck matches you detect are actual struck matches…covering up flatulence
- …first we wrote the “tasting notes”, then we mixed the malts to achieve it
- …on the scale of great whiskies, odds are that this one isn’t
Readers: we’re rarely interactive here on The Malt Impostor, but we’d love to hear from you on this subject! What do you think would be the best/most appropriate name for our blend-that-never-was? Please let us know in a comment below!