Honored members of the Academy! You have done me the honor of inviting me to give your Academy an account of the life I formerly led as an ape…Er… [shuffles papers] that is…um, an account of the taste of the Monkey Shoulder Blended Malt Scotch Whisky:
Produced in Dufftown, where Homer Simpson would get a dram if he were a Scot, the Monkey Shoulder is exceedingly pleasant. A great veranda whisky—don’t keep this one tucked away in the wood-paneled library in dusty, lead crystal decanters. Go ahead and drink this in life’s myriad intervals. Waiting for the UPS guy? Sip. Seeing the kids off on the bus? Sip. Figuring out ways to put off dealing with the crab grass? Sip. How am I ever going to flavor this block of tofu? Sip. See how easy it is? The spicy mouth reminds of the time you put bamboo chopsticks in your nose to imitate a walrus. Then there are more spices in an indeterminate swirl of exotic sensuality like being trapped on the loading dock of Pier One overnight, swaddled in scented red velvet in a botched bachelor party prank that everyone quickly disavows. The white pepper finish and its high grassy notes disappear quickly. That’s okay, though. Take another. Sip.
As I look back over my development and survey what I have achieved so far, I do not complain, but I am not complacent either. With my hands in my trouser pockets, my bottle of Monkey Shoulder on the table, I half lie and half sit in my rocking chair and gaze out the window…. I am not appealing for any man’s verdict, I am only imparting knowledge, I am only making a report. To you also, honored Members of the Academy, I have only made a report.
On the scale of auctorial descriptives–
The Monkey Shoulder Blended Malt Scotch Whisky is “Kafkaesque“–Now let me be clear: one feels no alienation when drinking the Monkey Shoulder. Nor does one confront the meaninglessness and uncaring of the world when swirling the glass; if anything, the reverse is true. It’s just that among auctorial descriptives the term “Kafkaesque” is outstanding, having an almost onomatopoetic splendor. It’s far better than Woolfian and Byronic.