Tasting notes (in the form of a transcript):
DR: The John Milroy Linkwood 27 Year Old 1989 Test Set #1. This is the control group, and I, Dr. Richardson, am the administrator, and the first subject is M. Smith, a 47 year-old male whom we have seated and blindfolded on the other side of the glass.
[Into the microphone]: Are you ready, Mr. Smith?
MS: Hit me!
DR: You will now begin smelling the test substance. Please tell me what you smell.
MS: OK… Um… Just say what I smell?
DR: Yes, just report whatever it is that you smell.
MS: Alright…How about: wet cardboard moving into a room that once held three quarts of raspberries so that it can meet up later with African violet leaves.
DR: Um…You did say you haven’t ever taken any hallucinogens, didn’t you?
MS: Ooh, it’s getting better now…A mild farmer’s cheese and…wow, this is what I imagine lambs smell like in fairy tales.
MS: OH! I just placed it! I know what it is: it’s a great chess pie–so good, in fact, that all the rooks and bishops have been removed.
DR: Are you sure you’ve never taken any hallucinogens? Not even a random, unidentified mushroom, perhaps on your way to this lab this morning?
–No, don’t answer that. Let’s just move on. Now tell me what you taste.
MS: Mmm… I’m tasting crème brûlée, but it’s desiccated for astronauts–you know, like made with powdered egg whites? On my tongue it feels something between creamy and cottony… But there’s a really clean flavor here, too: maybe freshly wrapped squash racket handle?
DR: Margaret, when we’re finished here, please order up a battery of blood tests for Mr. Smith. And perhaps a straitjacket.
MS: But it’s woody, too: I also get alder wood shot glasses used for a pine resin liqueur…
DR: OK, that’s quite enough. We’ve stopped the flavors. Now, though I’m likely to regret this, but please tell me about any lingering aftertastes you might be having.
MS: Ooh! Pecans dancing around firelight in a ritual inscrutable to legumologists, in part because they’re dancing with black licorice pieces. Or maybe it’s a highly endangered snow tiger herbal tea… How do we protect it from the poachers?!? It’d be such a tragedy to lose something this good…
DR: Alright, alright. Thank you, Mr. Smith. That’s all we need from you today. Margaret?
The John Milroy Linkwood 27 Year Old 1989 is Damn You, AutoCorrect!–Very little can make you laugh so hard you cry so predictably as this stuff. Fantastic.
–Our thanks to Lauren Shayne Mayer and Spirit Imports for the sample!