The Sons of Liberty Uprising American Single Malt Whiskey PX Finish, Batch #1, finds me stuck in a vat of sultana raisins marinated in port, stirred often with pussywillow branches. Some orange marmalade is mixed in along with The Body Shop’s new “Essence of High School Woodshop Facial Moisturizing Creme.” My thrashings naturally crush the raisins, and out of a bottom bunghole runs the juice that is to be sold to the elders of a Protestant sect seeking to distinguish itself from both the Baptists and Anabaptists, not to mention the Pentecostals. There’s also herbal tea made in Colorado—if you follow me—but mainly: (im)ported raisins.
The mouth is deep, dark, and smooth. One might liken it to an ebony shuffleboard court sanded and polished to a high sheen such that the red and black clay disks zip and whisk like UFOs at the Home For Retired Very High Ranking Military Officers. There’s dust on the sticks, spiderwebs in the upper corners out of the reach of the orderlies, and a fever dream as if it were located in a Florida mangrove forest instead of Down East Maine. A blind priest would definitely (sacrilegiously) administer the sacraments with it to the retirees—and they’d be pleased. Hector Hell-raisin’ Caine, a former professional wrestler and bird colonel from Fresno, fancies wearing a raisin and bay leaf-studded fruit leather “championship belt” as he plays shuffleboard against a former PX quartermaster. Oddly enough, no one notices or complains about his odd uniform.
The finish continues to tingle the ported raisins on the tongue while the actual whiskey goes down fluidly as a prairie dog popping back into its hole. Caine, now fancying himself a harvest god, strews raisins around with glee and a set square jaw that tokens a deep commitment to his internally-dictated project.
The Sons of Liberty PX cask, Batch #1, is David Beckham playing soccer for the LA Galaxy.
[Stephen and John: Bill! We’re both vetoing that rating! David Beckham????]
–On the scale of marvellous blends of the Old and New Worlds–
The Sons of Liberty PX cask, Batch #1, is paella slow-cooked in hickory-fired smoker–Hells, yeah!